Untitled Book Contest Winning Fanfic
Fade in to the gayest house in Canada. Marco's mom is making him Pangaykes, because Marco is too gay to eat regular pancakes. He walks out of his lair of sin (aka the bedroom) with a cowlick sticking straight up, obviously tired. Probably from the pounding he received from Dylan. Wait, they broke up. Scratch that, he was getting pounded by Paige, because Alex is too butch to let Paige be the pitcher so she has to practice on her brother's ex flame. Where were we? Oh yeah, the kitchen. By the way, a 500 word limit is blasphemy. HOW CAN YOU LIMIT THE AWESOMENESS OF DEGRASSI!?!
Marco's Mom: Here son, I made you Pangaykes.
Marco: Mom, you know I like Fruity Pebbles in the mornings.
Marco's Mom: Nonsense, Marco, you know that cereal is too manly for a pussy like you. Besides, those are your fathers and you know how he gets when people like you touch his things.
Marco: I don't get it, mom, how come dad doesn't love me anymore?
Marco's Mom: It's not that he doesn't love you son, he just doesn't like you. Because you're you know. A fag.
Marco: I know, but, I just don't get it. I'm still Marco, I just like dick in my mouth 75% of the time.
Before Marco's mother can respond, Chuck Norris leaps through the air and karate kick's Marco's fucking face off. Then, Chuck Norris jumps out a window and disappears, leaving Marco dead and faceless in his plate of pangaykes while his mother makes Marco's father a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.
Marco's father runs through the room, being chased by a Goomba. He jumps on his head, and then Dennis Hopper is seen standing in the doorway with an entire legion of Goombas.
Dennis Hopper/King Koopa: GET ME THAT PLUMBER!
Marco's Dad (AKA Mario): Mama Mia!
He jumps down a green tube and the rest of the Koopa-Pack follow, eating Marco's remains as they pass over him. Fade to credits.
<Degrassi Theme Song/Opening Credits>
Ellie and Jimmy are sacrificing goats in the gym when Hazel walks by, obviously disgusted by her ex-boyfriends' new found gothness. She confides in Paige, who is now sporting spikey hair and a flannel shirt.
Hazel: Jimmy is such a bastard, I wish Rick would have just killed him.
Paige: That's not nice, Hazel. Now take that back or you're going to get a spanking.
Hazel: No way, I'm not getting spanked. In fact, I've got a plan to take care of Jimmy AND Ellie, it should be good.
As Paige contemplates how crazy/black Hazel really is, JT is shown griping to Jay who is sporting a fresh soul patch.
JT: My life sucks. I lost my girl, I lost my best friend, and I could lose my job. All because of these. (holds up a handful of Oxycotin [no not fucking Oxycodone, that shit doesn't even exist. Fuck Canada and their non existing drugs])
Jay looks sympathetic at first, but smiles, and shrugs. He then proceeds to say the coolest thing he's ever said to anyone, possibly the coolest thing anyone has said in the world.
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
This line is soooooo cool, it literally blows JT's head up upon hearing it. Jay puts on his sunglasses (in a cool way, of course) and begins to walk towards Paige. He then shanks her for stealing his girlfriend, and thus making him bone chicks that don't have recurring roles on the show. Hazel protests Jay's actions.
Hazel: Why would you stab my friend?!
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
Hazel: That doesn't even make sense!
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
Jay takes his glasses off, and then puts them on again (in a cool way, of fucking course).
By the way, Toby is gay.
Jay meets up with Spinner at the Dot, where Spinner has just boned his manager (the one with the blonde dreadlocks) and Darcy at the same time. Things between Darcy and Spinner are so awesome, that she even renounced Jesus and now claims that Spinner is her personal savior.
Spinner: Hey, what's going down, Jay?
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
Spinner: Good idea; we should try to kick Snake's cancer out of remission. That guy is a black-hole of suck.
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
Spinner: You're right; it's going to take a lot of thinking to figure out how to kick-start Snake's cancer again.
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
Spinner: GREAT IDEA! First, we'll build a time machine. Go back to the beginning of the season when Liberty first found out she was pregnant, punch her in the stomach to induce labor at an early stage, and take the infant/fetus/really small baby. We'll inject the tiny baby into Snake's blood stream, and with the proper training, we'll teach it how to find the cancerous cells and activate them. It's so easy!
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
The scene fades with the two plotting. Commercial break.
When we return, we see that Hazel is cleaning her sniper riffle with her eyes blindfolded while she hangs upside down. A phone call interrupts her, and she answers. It's Jimmy.
Jimmy: Hey, do you have my remote control?
Hazel: Why would I have your remote control?
Jimmy: I don't know, I might have left it over there or something.
Hazel: Nopers.
Jimmy: Oh well, I'll see you later.
Hazel: Oh, hey Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yeah?
Hazel: What does Ellie have that I don't have?
Jimmy: Well, Hazel, despite my dad being the blackest person in the universe, he says I have to date people with my skin color.
Hazel: Oh, that makes sense. TTYL.
Jimmy: LOLBRBPZL8RS.
This just in: Emma is a guy, and becomes gay with Toby. Chuck Norris kicks both of their faces off.
Meanwhile, Jay and Spinner return from their time-traveling adventure, complete with Liberty's fetus. They decide giving Snake cancer would be too much work and decide to get stoned and make candy out of the fetus instead.
Meanwhile, again, Hazel's is perched on top of Degrassi, waiting for Ellie to walk up to campus so she can burst her fucking brains. Ellie does not show up, instead she decides to throw her school career away and become a stripper, doing anything she can to support her new addiction (Ellie's new addiction is fetus candy).
In fact, everyone in Degrassi is addicted to fetus candy. Ms. Hatzilakos or whatever her name is, the lunch lady, the pharmacist guy and Liberty's dad (James Earl Jones) are all addicted to fetus candy. Jay and Spinner make a fortune off of this and decide to buy Virgin Records.
They buy Virgin Records because Craig thinks he has a shot at getting signed by them with his band, Downtown Sasquatch. After months and months of negotiating and deciding what to do with Craig's sound, Jay and Spinner reveal they had been leading him on all along before ripping up a record contract in front of him. Craig commits suicide by jumping off of the top of the Virgin building, which is taller than the Empire state building because Spinner and Jay like their shit big.
Spinner: Best Christmas Ever, dude.
Jay: Hey, at least there's a party going on.
Spinner: Hell yeah.
Oh yeah, Jimmy accidentally runs over Hazel and gives her AIDS. The end.
